11:39

Sober sex? Sure, I guess, why not. Ill try anything once...

5:14

No she didnt actually say she wanted to fuck me but thats what my brain translated her whore babble into...

4:27

can always shit your pants
works for me100% of the time

[8/23/10 3:14:47 PM]

if it was me, they's end up making a law and order about what i did.  i'm talking guerilla organ removal after prolonged torture

2:02

songs that make you want to smoke a hookah and roll naked on a shag rug game

nice guy?

I was holding her hair back while she puked...but before ya go thinking im a nice guy i was having sex with her at the same time

2:09

lets me poke u in the face while also giving it to you with no hands

11:13

you should get a pot card
then we can go to the vapor room!
then directly to memphis minnies!

3:58

I think i just squeezed out a little poop while reading that

a little one

3:18

I hate it when I clean out my car and realize my shitbag friend left little bags of weed and coke under the seat.

2:46

let's go to parkside and stick each others fingers up each others butts and play human centipede

2:46

I hate it when you drop cocaine on the floor - but you can't tell what's cat liter or coke.. but you snort it anyway

1:06

I want to watch cat porn, take a nap, and throw dildos at people walking out of the nearest republican headquarters

floaties

Im gonna start wearing floaties when I go bar hopping, every time lately I black out and decide to go swimming in the ocean. This is getting scary.

6:38

it's going to be a fun day!
yes it is, I'm not going to wear any underwear.

11:03

I can't listen to whale farting music right now.

3:23

You're a fucking twit wank.

3:22

why don't you eat a bag of cat penis'?

2:20

i'm never drinking with u again

4:08

kill them before they reproduce

2:48

that monster shit knocked me off kilter

1:44

...and I was thinking to myself.. I really want to rip your head off and shit down your throat right now.

broken bone

yea i think its broken but ill live, it not something that lots of vodka and vicodin cant fix...

4:10

WWBMD

4:09

when work gets overwhelming remember that your going to die

Pas bien

How are we going to smoke all this weed in 18 hours?

Sent from my iPhone

this isn't going to end well

im too fucked up on vicodin to deal with a psycho army dude with PTSD, im like the last person they shoulda called to escort him out of work

squirrels

she is in a park high claiming 5 squirrels are plotting her death

9:55

guess who is gonna have a good day at work today? hint: the guy that brought some vicodins with him....

4:30

does parkside deliver?

11:31

there is no way i can be at this job for 9 hrs a day and be sober

10:18

I'm pretty sure that if we started taunting it, it would no longer be harmless

Bananas

Sometimes using a banana isn't that bad. It's when you take the skin off that things become challenging.

old man

I have too much meat in my mouth!

10:28

how much longer do you have to live (when is your road trip?)

9:51 AM

My tailbone hurts like fuck. Was I raped?

The pain is above the took-hole and just left of the crack.

Is it possible I just wiped really hard?

4:23 pm

what exactly is casual pedophilia?

4:18 pm

you smell like anal cheese

work shit

this work shit is getting in the way of my life

11:02

fucking smirnoff trammies and xanies....having an awesome night on facebook

3:26

I hate brian davis.

Im eating chips slowly to entertain myself :(

We almost just died. Get your hand off of my crotch.

[6/15/10 11:19:32 AM]

I smell like fat lesbian dog

11:12 AM

...turns out an obese woman with a butt plug can still do you some good.

4:27

I gotta come up and see this fat asian fuckery

3:17

who ever made this deserves hookers. sexy ones.

11:16 AM

I found out my cat was a boy today.

841am

and yes....we were chasing deer thru downtown mill valley in heels.

Just took a giant bong rip while my folks were in the next room

12:39

yes, call me noah. take chick in pairs.

1149

I might barf doing a whiskey shot and riding my bike that early, but I'm game

12:58pm

shes everything ive always wanted in a vagina

que?

3:45

they're all such a bunch of hooligans

[5/24/10 3:48:27 PM]

that's what happens when you puke in your shoes - loose your debit card and wake up in your tub.

9:18

you are the worst piece of shit on the planet
godddamit i hate you

11:20

did you get drunk and naked and swim in the ocean last night? cuz if not im pretty sure i had a better night out than you did

1256pm

im gonna apply for food stamps so i can use more of my unemployment checks for beer money. thanx for paying taxes btw, couldnt do it without ya

2:56

im just saying - if the right 19 year old puts oak in my wood, lets be honest

2:59

If you've got something that looks like Don Kings head in your underpants, give it a trim.

[5/10/10 1:33:11 PM]

absurd - showing your fruit salad to innocent asian bystanders?

[5/10/10 1:33:27 PM] she was totally into it

3:28 pm

I'm like.. umm the only way I'm going to be a sugar momma is if you are 21 - hung like a horse and live next door

[5/7/10 2:41:34 PM]

that's so amazing I think it may have just given me cancer

9:47 am

omfg... tequila... then locked myself out of my apartment this morning
at work in same clothes
fml

8:19 pm

She just told me she gave her hoo hoo a champagne bath this morning

5:06:16 PM

he's so furry and pinchable

3:28 pm

dude I just got shit on by a bird, worst week ever. FML

12:37

I'm gonna put a toga on and eat grapes on the partition between the pool and jacuz

11:43am

sand surf blow and monkeys stat!

4/28/10 8:43:40 PM

she was sleeping on the couch.. but not like sleeping
like stretching
and being gross

9:05

and this is a place WHERE MOST PEOPLE KNOW I SHIT MYSELF THERE

8:55

ok this is fcking lame... operation chug a gallon of milk is about to commence

[4/28/10 8:13:02 PM]

never trust a man with orange body hair and a prince charles

?

[4/28/10 3:22:13 PM] better than going bareback with jeans!

2:29

with fishnets and stripper heels doing a line of china white off of a one legged stripper!

[10:52:46 PM]

IM LIKE TAKE THEM

1:55pm

The whole goal of using drugs is to get to the point where ONLY your heart and lungs work, thats it.

[4/22/10 11:25:17 AM]

I have this great meat perfume you can use...don't ask why I have it...

[4/22/10 11:23:50 AM]

well I'll be dressed like a seal

so.. I'm not to worried

12:15

if we're gonna die... might as well be with hookers - blow and monkeys

12:26am

if we're gonna die... might as well be with hookers - blow and monkeys

232pm

No, I'm still in bed, I'll IM ya when I wake up.

[4/19/10 8:01:09 PM]

awwww

don't look back

there are more walruses in the sea

[4/19/10 7:54:41 PM]

but it was a horrible dry spell for my sex life

im just saying

...not that my sex life is alltogether interesting

it is comparable to a walrus trying to get back into the ocean

[4/19/10 1:59:29 PM]

just straight up fullscreen

with chat windows on the side

10:57 pm

How's the mystery rash?

12:50

he showed up with a banana and then disappeared

[4/18/10 6:20:22 PM]

: I can't believe the pants are assless

331am

I just reread that drunk text I sent you, please dont post it to my blog

4/16/10 5:01:37 PM

[4/16/10 5:01:37 PM] : chubby chaser

response:
[4/16/10 5:02:27 PM]: fcking die
[4/16/10 5:02:33 PM] : and dont put it on my blog

[4/16/10 2:22:55 PM]

I have 173 unread emails - 'cause I dont give a fck

1:36

I wish people would stop reminding me of stuff I dont remember doing.

1:10

slip n slide compatable

skype

I've got $5 and a dream